When you consider the computer professional, comedy is about the last thing that comes to mind. Intense, smart and technical are obvious attributes. But how funny can acronyms, code and viruses be?

Turns out they can be plenty amusing, in the right hands. Self-deprecating and ironic, IT pros have their own industry standards for humor, and they managed to keep their wits about them in 2002, when the industry had little to laugh about.

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While many of the jokes traded by IT pros rely on insider knowledge, some of them also play off popular culture. For example, have you heard of the Oprah Winfrey virus? Your 200-megabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 megabytes and then blows back up to 300 megabytes.

Most IT jokes do, though, require an appreciation for the IT world. Manipulating the acronyms that have swamped the industry is one way computer professionals amuse themselves.

Here is a list of alternative meanings for some common IT acronyms:

WWW -- World Wide Wait
COBOL -- Completely Obsolete Business-Oriented Language
CD-ROM -- Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too
MIPS -- Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
LISP -- Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
RISC -- Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI -- System Can't See It
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DEC -- Do Expect Cuts

The list above makes obvious that mainframes are often the butt of many jokes. Unfortunately, many of the people who make jokes about mainframes wouldn't know a System/390 from an AS/400. Here are some tests for figuring out whether a system is a mainframe:

• If you could kill someone by tipping it over on them, it might be a mainframe.
• If the only "mouse" it has is the one living inside it, it might be a mainframe.
• If you need earth-moving equipment to relocate it, it might be a mainframe.
• If it has ever had a card punch designed for it, it might be a mainframe.
• If it weighs more than an RV, it might be a mainframe.
• If lights in the neighborhood dim when it's powered up, it might be a mainframe.
• If its disk platters are big enough to cook pizzas on, it might be a mainframe.
• If keeping all of the manuals together creates a fire hazard, it might be a mainframe.
• If it's ever been mistaken for a refrigerator (or if the disk drive has ever been mistaken for a washing machine), it might be a mainframe.
• If anyone has ever frozen to death in the room where it's kept, it might be a mainframe.
• If the operators considered the addition of COBOL to be an upgrade, it might be a mainframe.
• If it was designed before you were born, it might be a mainframe.
• If its main power cable is thicker than your neck, it might be a mainframe.
• If the designers have since died from old age, it might be a mainframe.

Other sources of inspiration for computer industry jokes are the unique personalities of certain IT types. For example, here is what various computer geeks and G-men might say when presented with a glass half full of milk:

Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass *.49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Unix users: Nah, too easy.
Multimedia author: [slurp!]
Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go?
CIA: What makes you think that's milk?
NSA: We know what it really is.
Copy-protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!
Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind.
Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
Apple user: You guys really ought to be drinking Perrier.
IBM fan: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.
IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.

Now, even serious matters such as computer viruses have become fodder for jokes. Here are a list of viruses that aren't likely to appear in any security advisories anytime soon:

• Titanic virus -- Makes your whole computer go down.
• Disney virus -- Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
• Woody Allen virus -- Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
• Saddam Hussein virus -- Won't let you into any of your programs.
• Spice Girl virus -- Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
• AT&T virus -- Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI virus -- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Politically correct virus -- Never calls itself a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• Texas virus -- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
• Health care virus -- Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.